The past week has been a week of failures. Problems with computers at work I couldn’t solve, two missed meetings, one of which was the local author’s showcase and I was one of the featured local authors. By the time Friday night came along, I felt like the biggest failure in the world. Intellectually, I knew that wasn’t true, but that’s how I felt in my heart.
The weight in my bones, the weakness of my muscles, the fogginess of my brain, are interlaced with my failure to save Jennifer‘s life. The pandemic and ensuing isolation had been brutal on 
her. I thought she was suffering from depression. In September, I invited her to come live with me for four or five months. She didn’t want to come until after the presidential election. Her sister offered to drive out with her, but she refused help. I guess she didn’t want to bother anyone. Damn you Jennifer. If friends and family aren’t here to help, then what purpose do we serve?
The plan was for her to arrive on Thanksgiving Day. But car troubles and a fall left her stranded in Phoenix for nine days until the friend she was staying with drove her to my house. She made an appointment to see the doctor in just over a week. But exactly one week from the two a.m. arrival on a early Saturday morning when Jennifer arrived, she was was dead. Her doctor’s appointment still three days away.
At this point in my life, every little failure blows up into that one big failure and I melt down. It’s been two and a half months since she died. Grief is funny that way. You think you’re not feeling it and then a few minor setbacks, most likely caused by grief, and you’ve sunk so low you can barely function again.
Yesterday I went to Black’s Beach and the laughter of the many young women who had been surfing brought me comfort if not joy. In my twenties, I started surfing, but it was a lonely pass time as the other female surfers were far and few between. Seeing these young women on an adrenal high from their time in the water reminded me of the joy that still exists in the world, even if I’m not feeling it at the moment.
